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Friday, October 21, 2011

Of Vampires

So when did people stop being afraid of vampires? When did it go from the whole Fright Night and From Dusk Till Dawn genre to Twilight, True Blood and The Vampire Diaries?

Don't we remember the thrill of being scared of these things? When you could watch a scary vampire flick and then be way too wigged out to sleep alone that night, heart racing at every bump or branch tickling your window in the breeze?

Part of the allure of the vampire is its beauty, grace, immortality and sexuality, but has it gone too far? Do we really want to date one? It wasn't so long ago that people were worried about a 10 year age difference between a couple in a relationship. Now if one half is going to live forever then screw it? Literally?

I think it started when Interview With a Vampire was released as a movie. Who could resist Brad Pitt as the beautiful, tormented Louis. But all the same, there was Tom Cruise as the completely self-absorbed, cruel and spiteful Lestat. After that movie everyone wanted more Louis. I wanted more Lestat. And in fact Anne Rice's books do focus far more on Lestat. 

One thing that bugs me when I watch these shows (and don't get me wrong, I read all the Sookie Stackhouse novels and I would definitely lose my pants for Eric Northman) is that everyone is so infuriatingly nonchalant about it. It's a vampire! It can kill you by drinking your blood, whether by two little pin pricks in your neck or by tearing your head from your torso and bathing in your O negative. Or by jamming a straw in your neck and slurping, sort of like those Florida orange juice commercials. Come to think of that, I'd like to see Pam do that one episode. But I digress....

If someone comes up to me in a pub, no matter how frickin' hot they are, and says "Oh hey, yeah, so I'm a vampire. Yep, a real one. How you doin'?" and if I really believe that to be true, I will literally freak the shit out. Like hysterically. I guarantee I won't be saying 'Oh, really? That's neato.' I will not be sitting around making conversation banking that this thing isn't hungry right then. That would be akin to jumping in a shark tank with a great white and thinking 'That tuna probably filled it up. Yeah, it probably did.'

I want vampire movies to go back to the way they were. I want them ugly, fast, scary and sarcastic with a mouth full of teeth that don't fit in their grills. I want the creepy long fingers, the animal pupils, the blind desire to feed. I don't want it to be all angst-ridden, emo teenager who is just looking for love without ruining his hair. Perhaps my favorite vampire movies are the ones that have a twist of humor in them.

Do you remember a single line that Edward Cullen has ever said? Me neither. But I remember Lestat saying,

"Evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are, none so like him as ourselves. "

I also remember this quote in From Dusk Till Dawn: 

"I know what's going on. We got a bunch of fucking vampires out there, trying to get in here and suck our fucking blood. And that's it. Plain and simple. I don't want to hear anything about "I don't believe in vampires," because I don't fucking believe in vampires, but I believe in my own two eyes, and what I saw, is fucking vampires. Now, do we all agree that what we are dealing with is vampires?"

We recently saw the remake of Fright Night starring Colin Farrell and Anton Yelchin. The original was in 1984 and starred Chris Sarandon (yes, Susan Sarandon's ex) and William Ragsdale (also Herman from Herman's Head - remember that?). That movie was awesome in the '80's and I was pleasantly surprised at how good the remake is. Colin Farrell as Jerry is such a total creep and I love him. If you haven't seen either of these movies, do it. You won't be sorry.

In closing I leave you with a third and final quote from Evil Ed (played by McLovin'):   

"I am seriously so angry that you think I read 'Twilight'!"


Tricia said...

I agree! I wouldn't be sitting around saying hey he's hot and I'm sure he'd be able to stop after just a sip... I think, in addition to some scarry werewolves cause they don't all look like Jacob, our movie society needs an even mix of Lestat and Eric!

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