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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Of Garbage and WTF Death Bats!!

It's Wednesday night, and I literally just got attacked outside by WTF ninja death bats. They were probably zombie bats too since it's almost Halloween and all.  Jeebus!

Hubby (aka 'Donar' (sp? but it's funny so I'm keeping it*) since we're trying to have another kid) has been working late every night. Ender is in between his old daycare and his new big boy morning preschool so he's been home all day with me. If you've ever had a toddler home with you all day you know how they suck every possible second out of your day while devouring your will to live. But we love them and they do some pretty cute shit that makes us forget how parasitic they are.

Anyhoo, because I'm flying solo with the kid, there hasn't been a lot of time to do housework etc. In truth we're just barely maintaining an acceptable standard of living. We've been way too busy baking cookies, running through sprinklers, playing soccer and t-ball, putting out imaginary fires on the car mat and doing 'activities' like coloring, painting, crafting and building the saddest little spiders and pumpkins out of egg cartons.

Needless to say, I didn't get around to taking the garbage and recycling to curb during daylight hours. So after sending the hubby and Ender off to the kid's room to get him into bed, I thought to myself 'Hey! This seems like a really good time to try packing a couple of heavy smelly garbage bags out to the bin! How on earth could this not be a great idea?'. As I'm struggling out through the glass door, loaded with garbage and trying to turn the outside light on with my elbow I think, and then promptly ignore the notion, that it really is fairly dark out and that deck light is next to useless. Oh well, what could possibly go wrong?

About 15 feet into my trip I have to negotiate a mere two steps down to the concrete pathway that will take me around the corner to the side of the house. Then follow that simple, flat, straight path about 45 feet where I will pop the garbage into the 3rd bin in line.  It's 3rd because for some reason we need two massive debris bins for all that yardwork we never do :/  Easy peasy.

Obstacle 1: The Steps. Gotta move Ender's little soccer net over a few inches with my foot and squeeze past it onto the first step. Good thing I've been working out because I have to lift the bags over it while simultaneously stepping down into the inky blackness that hides the concrete path from my diurnal eyes.  (Diurnal = active in the daytime, to the layman). I'm 1 for 1.

Obstacle 2: The Corner. This is a fairly easy one. Just turn left before face planting into the fence. 2 for 2.

Obstacle 3: The Straight Stretch. After turning the corner, simply go straight until I can make out the shadowy outline of debris bin #1, which should be tucked right up against debris bin #2. This wasn't so hard, just had to make sure to hug the right side of the path. 3 for 3.

Obstacle 4: Find the Garbage Bin. Should be just past Obstacle 3, allowing for a 2 or 3' gap. Herp derp herpie derpie, along I go. Here's where Obstacle 4 gets renamed as The Bone Shattering Haunted Path of Doom. Just as I clear debris bin #2 on the left, something horrible reaches up through the gloom and wraps itself around my right leg. It's hard, possibly plastic, has sharp edges and the thing doesn't just grab me and hold me there, it fucking moves! Taking my one leg (and ONLY my one leg) with it as I scramble to stay upright on my remaining foot, steadfastly refusing to drop the bags. For some asinine reason, my first thought is not of saving myself, it's to keep fucking quiet because I happen to be right outside Ender's bedroom window. I do NOT want to scare him with thumps, moans, crashes and screams just before bedtime and then have to spend an extra 30-60 minutes convincing him that no, there are no monsters out there trying to bust through the wall to feast on boy flesh, then forcing the dog to sleep under his bed.

So once I finally manage to disentangle myself from what I can slightly make out as a broken Green Machine Big Wheels (that I later find out my hubby left out there to dispose of, cuz it's sharp and broken, because maybe he's trying to kill me) it seems like a good idea to be brave, gather myself together and move forward.  Still clutching those damn garbage bags. Now it's a thing - I can't put them down until my mission is complete!

Just as I turn back towards the 3rd bin and start moving, something literally flaps against the roof right over my head. I jump backwards, back onto the Green Machine. Now the street lamp from the road is shining over the top of the gate, creating the perfect silhouette of a herd of bloody bats, half of whom are trying to escape and half of whom are trying to attack the shit out of me while they scramble to get out from under the roof ledge.

At this point instinct takes over, I finally drop those garbage bags and start running blindly towards the back of the house, down the Haunted Path of Doom. Ironically, this is when Kyssa the dog chooses to blast around the corner towards me to investigate the commotion. Because she is black as the night, all I see is her demonic looking eyeshine as she barrels down the pathway on an intercept course. Thankfully she can see me and deftly leaps to the side as my instincts, for the first time in my life, choose "fight" and I come back at her like a house on fire. Now the two of us are negotiating the steps back up to the deck and into the house.

I can't even pull myself together before running into Ender's room yelling "DID YOU HEAR THAT??" Hubby and kid confusedly look up from their Super Why! game, apparently having heard nothing.  Nothing! What if those bats had succeeded in taking me down?  What if I was now laying out there, broken and bloodied, covered in death bats and garbage and a hungry big wheels come to life?  My story comes out as "Garbage bats noise wheels thing leg grabbed hurt, ahhhh!"

And this speaks volumes:  Hubby didn't blink, look shocked, or jump up and run over to see if I was injured or bitten. He just laid there, holding his Princess Presto cards, smiled and said "Really?  No, didn't hear a thing."

Hrmpf.  Well HE can take the garbage out regardless of how late he works from now on.  :)

* Should be 'Donor'.  But: Thor, in wider Germanic mythology and paganism was known in Old English as Þunor and in Old High German as Donar (runic þonar), stemming from a Common Germanic *Þunraz (meaning "thunder").

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