The Long Hair Cold War

Does your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend love long hair. Do you want to cut your hair off but are concerned that your significant other will wither up and die from disappointment? Trimming your tresses will prompt his soul to shatter into a thousand little hair sized shards on the salon floor?

Well ladies (and gents, if that's how you roll) I have been staging a cold war against R on this for a while now and I am willing to share my battle plans and tactics for I think that I am finally breaking him. Oh, he'll deny it, but how much more can he really take?

If you really want to get rid of your hair you are going to have to commit. And commit hard. Consistency is key. You're going to have to do some things that will even gross out your dog. But do it you will, because you are fighters!

WHO'S WITH ME?



Don't shampoo every day. Here is your new hair cleaning schedule. 

Day 1 - Shampoo and condition with your normal hair product. The smellier the better.

Day 2 - Don't do anything. Don't even brush it.

Day 3 - This is the important one. Go out and buy some Pssst dry hair shampoo from any drugstore, spray a lot of it on your hair. Make sure you overspray onto his toothbrush and shaving paraphernalia. Try to have a cold or allergies so that you don't have to suffer the scent of this product. Be careful to get a powdery film on his dark shirt.


In the shower. Hairball attack!


Do not brush your hair before showering. This will allow you to collect an epic hairball while working your conditioner through. While rinsing your hands, keep as many loose strands of hair as you can. Form a ball. Stick to shower wall. If you can, shape it into a mouse with a long tail. Leave a webbing of hair over the drain.

Leave some strands wrapped around his bar of soap.

Everything in the Bathroom Sink


Buy several bottles of hair product. No, you don't have to use them all, you just have to take up counter space with them. Buy ones that don't fit in the vanity cupboard.

Get a blow dryer and a straightener. Leave them both out for easy access because you 'need' them.

After your hair is dry, run your fingers through to collect any stray hairs and carefully place them near the sink drain. Wash them down. The goal is to eventually clog it and have your partner be the one to clean it out. Try to wash down some oatmeal or other goopy stuff right on the last day before the unclogging is scheduled to happen.

The Hair Shirt


Take several strands of hair and place them on the back of your partner's shirt, coat, head, briefcase, laptop case and car seat. Do this covertly as he is not supposed to find them until he is in a big meeting at the office.

You can even sacrifice your child by sticking hairs to him/her on the day your partner is to drop them off at school/daycare.


The Dry Hairball


This is a lesser known battle tactic. Gather up several strands of long hair, roll them in your palms until you've created a crazy little ball with lots of spidery hair legs. Place it on your partner's pillow.


Random Acts of Hairiness


Place a rogue hair in such places as:

• your partner's coffee cup
• your partner's wallet
• the dog's face
• on the tv screen
• on the laptop screen
• in your partner's food

Beauty Denial


Last but not least - never, never, ever wear your hair down. Always, without fail, put it in a shoddy ponytail. Not a cute one or a flippy little bun. We're talking bad, half up, half down, I just worked out, vacuumed, brushed the dog, bathed the kid, vomited type of ponytail.

This is the hardest one to stick to, but the goal here is to have your partner suggest you get a trim. And then you can cut off 4 inches of hair and blame the stylist.

*sob* *sob* I asked for a trim! Just a quarter of an inch and the crazy bitch snipped off 4 inches starting in the back, before I even knew what was happening! I'm never going there again!


Good luck soldiers! May we all have cute little pixie cuts by 2013. I'll be forgoing bangs so that I don't look like a Beatle.