Shit that Happens in the Middle of the Night

I've been having insomnia again. Last night as I was up creeping through the house in the dark of night I realized just exactly how weird it is to be up when no one else is. Mostly because it's pitch black in here. I feel like if I turn a light on I'm giving in to being awake for hours.

Image via Wikipedia
I'm not sure what a deep sea fish
catching a baby has to do with insomnia, but I like it!

For instance, if you had a night vision camera you'd see me sneaking through the living room at 3am. Not that it's okay for you to be spying through my window at 3am. Or any time really. You would also see that I don't 'walk' exactly... more along the lines of teetering like a newborn foal or a cat with socks on.

Image by PEOSoldier via Flickr
This looks kind of like a night vision camera.
But also kind of like something else.

(If you were standing outside in the dark with that thing pressed up against your face, wouldn't you feel just a little bit awkward?)

I can't see just how many sharp toys are laying ready to jab into my tender feet so I'm doing a slowly executed high-knee step. It's senseless and ineffective because most of the booby-traps are about 1 inch high, not twelve. Our son was basically potty trained using Hot Wheels as rewards so there are ~700 of them on the living room floor at any given time and those little buggers really hurt!

Deciding to head back to bed, I thought a stretching of the legs would help me relax and get to sleep. Not wanting to wake up anyone* in the bedroom, I choose to lean on the wall in the front room. Standing there on one leg, the other ankle in my hand and pulled up to my butt cheek for a quad stretch, I become immediately convinced that there is mostly likely a spider hiding in the shadows on the wall, about 3cm from my hand, right now. Probably about to bite me because spiders are assholes like that. Quickly remove hand from wall, decide to stretch in the bedroom.

Making my way down the hallway I narrowly avoid stepping on SRD (socially-retarded dog) who is sleeping crossways on the floor in a clever attempt to kill me. Her fur is so black that she blends into the dark hardwood in perfect camouflage and I'm pretty sure she wants me to trip over her and break my neck when I fly into the wall. This might be her revenge for the thermometer up the butt at the vet last weekend. Too be fair, I'd be pissed off too. She was excited to go for a walk and then next thing she knew R had her in a bear hug and a stranger was jamming cold sticks in her rear end. (Now I'm picturing SRD blowing a little canine rape whistle at the vet... 'fweee, fweeee!')

Of course, once I get to the end of the hall, all the excitement has made me have to pee. I can't help it, I'm a nervous pee-er. As I gingerly (and slowly) make my way past the bed to the en suite bathroom I bash my shin on the wood corner of the bed frame. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Collapse onto foot of bed, hold shin and make a sound something like 'shihhh....fuhhh...'

Accepting that there is no one awake to feel sorry for me, I get back up and hobble into the bathroom. Try to sit on the toilet with one foot on either side of the kid's footstool that he has positioned at the front of the potty. I refer to it as me 'going potty' too now, even when talking to adults. Finish peeing, slap hands around the wall and floor and back of toilet looking for the toilet paper which has been placed anywhere except where it belongs. Give up and drip dry.

So far so good, no one has been woken up. Get to sink, turn on tap... and it blasts to full strength in a flurry of water and noise to rival Niagara Falls. Wash hands, dry them on random cloth item found on counter. Hope it's not underpants.

Sneak back into bed, lithely sliding under the covers. Just as I close my eyes my husband says, 'Thanks for waking me up' and then three seconds later starts to snore.

I love insomnia.


*when I say 'anyone' I mean my husband, there are no hordes of random people in my bed.




If you laughed at or with or in spite of me, do me a favor and tweet, facebook, stumble, email or otherwise share this post. Merry Christmas to me!  :D