All I want for Christmas is Me

Oh hi there. Yes, you, over there - with the Lululemon pants and the Starbucks.   

You look like a fit, healthy, well-rested modern day woman who gets to the yoga studio and has amazing girls' nights out with your equally awesome friends. 

Um, this may be a little awkward, but have you seen my butt? It was last seen about 4 years ago heading home from a Yin class in Yaletown, wrapped in a pair of tight black yoga pants and securing numerous stares and compliments from passersby. 

I thought you may know where it is, since you seem to travel in the same circles as my butt did.

Image by mindwalker2076 via Flickr
This came up when I searched for 'Yin'
so I had to include it.

Does this conversation sound familiar? Do you wonder where your butt went? Your nice, tight booty, perky boobs, glowing complexion and expensively colored and styled hair left you when you had your kids? Your manicure and your pedicure and waxed legs, pits, eyebrows and bikini line hit the road when you stopped getting a full night of sleep and had no time to waste on silly things like self-grooming?

Well this year I've decided that unlike the usual vapid Christmas list, I'm going for broke. That's right - I want ME back!

A bunch of things need to happen to effect my desired result so I spent a good amount of time thinking about it and narrowed it down to 10 things. My list is compiled in order of importance but that mostly just indicates which 'surprise!' gift certificates I want to open first.

Husband! Listen up!

1. Professional hair color/cut at the uber hair salon that I used to frequent.

2. Mani/pedi including reflexology.

3. Hour long massage at a spa complete with cucumbers on my eyes, a facial and a fluffy robe. And little sandwiches, juice and a fruit plate.

4. Two or three really good nights of sleep. Uninterrupted by man, dog, child or alarm.

5. A trip to the MAC store for makeup application and the product that goes with it.

6. Full body waxing. Ok not the entire body but all the gross bits.

7. Dinner out with a few girlfriends. Including wine and a taxi home. Or limo if you want to go all out.

8. Time each week to go running or to the gym, at least one evening a week. That includes childcare.

9. A personalized full service bra fitting complete with new bras.

10. A stylus and illustrator program so I can ignore everyone and hide out in the office making funny
pictures and giggling maniacally to myself.

That's it! Please please please, I've been such a good girl this year. I've been covered in poop and food. I've endured tantrums and work stresses and a bad dog. A fucking TREE FELL ON MY CAR. I deserve this. I need this.

And if you see my butt can you please tell it I miss it and I've love for it to come home. Don't forget to mention that I will really commit this time - lots of squats and lunges, as many as it needs.

Image by Mat Honan via Flickr
These are not my butt.